There is nothing else I'd rather do.

I guess I am officially beyond the hard homeschooling months of February and March and now in the high of oh-my-gosh-we've-almost-done-it month of April.  

This past month has been a month of research and questioning for me.  I have known for a while that something needed to change, and so I've been searching.  When I made the choice to pull my kids out of brick and mortar school I had a vision I was excited about.  Somewhere along the way I have come to realize that although online public school has many benefits, it's not very close to the vision I was given and so that means we have some adjustments to make.  I have wondered if I should chalk up our experience to a valiant effort and go back to the way things were.  I have concluded that my initial vision is not completely out of reach and is worthy of my continued efforts. 

I am sure that as the years go by we will move closer to the vision that flooded my mind that first moment of knowing that there was something better for my kids than what we were choosing.

So, today, I feel especially passionate about a few things as follows:

1.  I love being with my kids all day long.  Every day. Every week. Month after month.  Last year when I was trying to align myself with what I knew I was going to do, I had some fears.  One of them was that, somehow, the relationship I shared with my children would suffer if I became their teacher.  It seemed logical to me that the more time we spent together the more we would grate on each other's nerves, and the less we'd love each other. But the truth is, the more time we spend together, the more we understand each other.  I've really enjoyed getting to know my children more deeply through this experience.  There is also a certain level of comfort in having them close to me while they are in these tender first years of their lives.  Most people that learn we are homeschooling first ask the question of socialization.  Nothing feels better to me right now than knowing that my kids are close, they aren't suffering from any sort of peer pressure or bullying, and that they feel safe.  It feels good to me, and it apparently (and surprisingly) feels good to them for now.  I can't say what they will feel in the future!

2.  It's worth it.  The hardest things usually bring the sweetest blessings in their wake. We have had some really emotionally charged moments in our home this year over school-related issues.  But we are better, stronger, and more solid in our relationships today than we were 8 months ago.  All of us.  Sean was worried about the stress of homeschool affecting our marriage, and thus our family dynamic, and I couldn't give him any definitive answers on that one. Today we have a better marriage on many different levels, and today we enjoy a happier home life...and we thought we were already enjoying bliss.  ;)  Yes, there have been days when I have doubted the wisdom of our choice, but not today.  Today it is worth it.     

3.  I am able.  Last year I wasn't sure I had enough knowledge to be successful.  I didn't feel qualified. Today I know that no one is more qualified to be my kids' teacher than me, their mother.  I am blessed with insights and love that are unique to a mother.  My children are God's children first, and He knows what they need. He knows their Missions.  He knows their strengths and their weaknesses, and I have access to all of His knowledge. I am not alone and there is nothing more important to me that being good at being a wife and a mother.  I don't have all of the knowledge I need to teach my children every thing they want to know as they progress, but I know how to get that knowledge, and so that is what I do. I am qualified, just because I want to learn, and I know how to learn, all on my own. My own education will continue forever.  I will never know everything I want to know but I am able and can move myself along the path of discovery just as well as the next person. 

4.  There will always be gaps and perfection is not an option.  When my children graduate, they will not know everything, they will have just begun their journey!  I have felt a lot of pressure at keeping my kids up with what they "should" know.  Figuring out what it is that my kids "need" to know before they go to college is a hard thing.  It's taken months to let that go, and realize that right now all I truly want them to FEEL is a love of learning.  My kids have a natural curiosity, and I don't want to squelch that. They are developing at varying degrees and speeds, and we have experienced a lot of frustration because they don't seem to fit into the "normal" parameters of their age groups.  For now our goal is to have fun together while learning and to learn how to be flexible.  Very few days will be perfectly executed in the way we've planned, I'm trying to accept that completely and trying to teach them to likewise accept that we are individuals, progressing at our own speed, and our abilities are very different and not to be compared, ever. 

Someday, I want to study, in depth, herbology and astronomy and religion and history.  I want to learn languages.  I want to delve into physics and chemistry and biology.  I am interested in dentistry and forestry and ophthalmology.  Politics and government are the most foreign and unnatural things to my mind, but I want to become a politician and a statesman!  A musician and an artist!  All of these things I will prepare for as I learn, line upon line, along with the children Heavenly Father has blessed me with.  There is truly nothing else I would rather do.

*edited to correct the numbering of my thoughts.  I had two number 2's.  When I do things like that (which I do ALL the time), Sean says, "And YOU are teaching our children?"  Hahaha.