I've had a hard time over the last while. Homeschool is kicking my bum. These last 6 months have been some of the hardest of my life. Some of the most prayerful. We're getting it (we really are), and it does seem to be getting easier for all of us. The girls are becoming a bit more independent, and I can teach a lesson and then leave them to work independently for a while, and that means I am able to get house work done during the day, and I'm able to spend time with Caz, Xander and Sadie more so than I was in the beginning. There are so many positives, and I don't want to forget about those things.
The truth is, I'm worn out. Moving in the middle of our first year has added to the strain, I get that. But I am cranky, and impatient. I am not enjoying things like I used to. I want to be a happy mom. I only get to have these years once. Nicole will only be 10 one time, and then that precious ten-year old time is gone forever. Heidi didn't get her quilt for her 8th birthday and Cassidy is almost finished being, "FOUR AND A HALF!!!!". Xander is gettingi so tall, and Sadie has lost her baby chub; life is speeding by. I don't want to look back on these years and feel sad because I took on more than I could handle. I want to enjoy it fully.
And yet the strength of my relationship with Nicole and Heidi is growing. We have so much fun, amidst all the stress of getting our list of subjects done. The hours we've spent curled up with books and pencils and paper have been precious. There is so much about being my kids' teacher (in more than one sense of the word) that has changed the family dynamic, and has made life here better, richer.
I wonder if, after a summer break, I'll feel up to again. I have so many doubts. My stamina is not what I thought it was. For now, the plan is to move forward, and try one more year, and then see how I feel. I don't think one year is enough time to truly know. It scares me when I think of adding Cassidy's course list to the mix. How in the world will I do it?
Tonight I talked with Heidi about it a bit, and suggested that perhaps she could go back to public school. She was quiet for a minute and then said, "I don't want to go back to public school. I want to be homeschooled." What a change from the beginning of this year when both she and Nicole shed tears about losing their friends and their school!
And all of the sudden, I had this renewed energy course through me. I want to do it for her, for both of them, if they want me to. Having it be their choice made such a difference to me today. I'm going to keep on praying, and struggling, because I know that growth doesn't come without a cost.
I can relate a lot to how you feel. Our first year of homeschooling has been crazy with a new baby, and there's a possibility we'll be moving halfway across the country in the next few months. (Don't know if it's going to work out, but if it does it will have a huge impact on the rest of my school year.) I LOVE homeschooling, and I can see so many benefits for my kids and myself. But it hasn't exactly been the year I planned on. However, I definitely plan to do it again next year. I feel like I don't know what a normal year is like, and I'm pretty sure that next year won't involve a new baby. I want a chance to not just be "surviving" but to actually build on what I've been trying to establish and to see it grow, and to get into better routines and have life settle down.
ReplyDeleteI would imagine a good summer break would help your perspective alot! I've also heard that February is the hardest month for homeschooling and that you should never make a decision about homeschooling during February. (I know it's now technically March, but it's still close enough to February that I think it counts!) Let the sun come out. Give yourself time! Take a spring break in a few weeks! Chances are you'll feel differently.
I was just thinking today that I'm not sure I'm savoring Preston's babyhood because life is so crazy busy and I'm just trying to get everything done every day. (And it's not all getting done; my house is a DISASTER with no change in sight.)
One thing you could also do is consider doing a curriculum other than online school; that would be less pressure to conform to someone else's schedule and standards.
Make sure you keep plenty of notes so that we have some lessons to follow if we decide to someday home-school our kids.
ReplyDeleteLisa, if you read my latest blog post, you'll see that I am considering leaving COVA. Your experience, and my friend Candy's experiences, more closely align with my vision of homeschool. There are valid reasons to stick with COVA for one more year, but at what cost? That is the question I am weighing right now. Loyd, sure thing.
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