Happy Birthday to Me!

Today I am 36 years old.  I have been having a hard time lately.  Sorry to be saying it so much, but, truth be told, I feel like I've been enduring my mid-life crisis.  I've been unhappy with me.  I've cried a lot of tears.  I feel ungrateful and beat down.  I have everything I ever dreamed of - and more.  Why am I not happy?  I've struggled with myself, with my weaknesses.  And through it all, I've been trying to let go of things.  I've been trying to let go of my worries and be happy with myself.  I don't want to care about what other people think anymore.  Not in an in-your-face kind of way, but I'm just tired of giving myself that sort of pressure.  That pressure is crippling to me.  I know people love me with all of the baggage I carry around, and those who don't, well, they're missing out.  :)  I want to love others in the same way.  I am trying to embrace the dysfunction that is my life.  I'm always trying to improve myself, but I've got to be okay with where I stand today.

I've got gray hair, my wrinkles are becoming more prominent and my waist-line is expanding.  I am too tired to train for that triathlon that I was so excited about in January, but I'm tired because I'm putting forth some serious effort and time-sacrifice for the sake of my children's education, but even if I was tired for no apparent reason at all, it would still be okay to let the triathlon go.  My house becomes increasingly cluttered and messy with our material things, and the downstairs bathroom has not been cleaned since we moved in.  I think there is poo on the kids' toilet upstairs.  I saw it there a week ago and I just don't care.  Yes, this coming from the woman who, 8 years ago, would have a heart attack when the sippy cup lid did not match the cup.

Our dear friend, Terry, came to town yesterday.  We haven't seen each other in two years, and I didn't clean my house, nor did I dress my children or comb their hair.  She told me she felt special.  :)  And that felt good to me.  We bought this big house and it matters nothing to me.  I want to sell it as soon as we can, and move into a smaller home that is easier to clean,will allow us to bump into each other a little more often, and enjoy a the peace that comes from a little less debt.

I've spent many years working on controlling my temper.  I still lose my temper.  That really bothers me.  And it should, to the point that I progress, which I am.  I am thankful that I can see progress in myself, and I try really hard, every day, to remember I'm growing and I'm on the right path. One of my biggest struggles with myself has to do with my failures as a mother.  I understand that one of the reasons for this sorrow results from the sacrifice that allowed me to be a mother in the first place.  I know that when those babies were placed in our arms not one of those sweet mothers expected me to be perfect.  And so I try to go easy on myself.  It is still the hardest thing in my life to deal with. 

I am learning that I have value.  I have good things to offer in this world, in my family.  I have seen myself in the crystal clear mirror that only God can hold, and I'm trying to forget about the warped mirrors of the world.  Molly took a picture of me two days ago.  We were standing on a rocky island near the shore of the Poudre river and I was pointing to a hawk flying in the sky.  My face twisted as I looked at the photo.  I didn't like the way my face looked fat and my ankles looked skinny, and I was wearing the same clothes from the day before (trying to lessen my laundry pile, ya know, these are the things you do when you have 5 kids).  Since that first reaction, I've been bothered.  I want to love myself completely and be happy with myself.  I want to do that for me.  That is my birthday present to myself this year.

Happy Birthday, darling Elaine.  I love you!