Hearts Knit Together

This is Heidi writing a letter and drawing a picture for her birthmother.  This was such a tender moment for me for many reasons, and I wanted to capture it on camera.  I'm always amazed at the connection my children feel toward  and with their birth mothers.  There is something inside of their hearts that reaches across space and time, and remembers and gives and loves, even when there are no words or communication.  Heidi is proof of that.

Since being a part of a birth family is not my experience, I spend time wondering what those "feeling" moments are like for them; wondering if they are like the moments we have as an adoptive family.  I'm always searching for common ground, just because I love to feel connected to people that I love.  I know from my experience as being a part of an adoptive family that these "feeling" moments are frequent.  As a child I would stop and feel the elements and think about my biological father, and wonder what he was doing.  I enjoyed hearing from those who knew him that he did, indeed, love me.  Then I would think about my Daddy, the man who taught me, was raising me and caring for me daily, and I would enjoy the peace that came because I knew he loved me too.   I would think of my half siblings, and wonder where they were and what they were like.  I would look outside a window at the sky and remind myself we were a part of the same world.  We were "under the same great big sky".  We weren't an active part of each others lives, but I had pictures and memories.  I always knew that I was blessed because of all of these people - the ones there, and the ones not there.  I loved them all, and I was grateful for them all and I was a part of them all, as they were a part of me.  


In the back of my journal is a quote that says, "But the truth is, she doesn't have to choose, she can have us both, love us both, and she will be a better person because of me and because of you."  That was Susan Sarandon in "Step Mom".  Ya, I bawl every time I watch that movie.  I am me because of Skinny and because of Simon, because of Marci and David, and because of Rae, Molly, Mike and Billy.  Aunt Mary and Aunt Brenda both helped mold me in their own ways, just the same as Brown Grandma and Orange Grandma and Grandma Fraser.  Love knows no bounds. 


I can see Heidi think of these things too.  She takes moments in time to stop and think about her life, and why she is where she is, and what makes her the way she is.  During this particular moment she was wondering if her birth mother had other children, and if so, she wished she could say hello.  She said hello in the only way possible, and then she moved on in her day, doing the things that kids normally do. 

We do this...we stop and talk and think and feel and wonder...and then move forward.  We try to express what we're feeling to each other, we try to embrace the moment, and the realities, and point out the joy that is in it.  We are so very blessed.  We have knowledge (she knows her name) and we see pictures (the smile, the color of her hair) and hold letters in our hands that express love (the words sink deeply into our hearts), and we do our best to share that love with them.  The tangible things will waste away, but when we stop and draw a picture or write a letter and create a hard-copy of our love and bring our feelings outside of ourselves, we feel better and we give something that will last even after the letters and pictures are gone. 

Our lives are colorful, woven with many different strands of thread.  I am grateful for all my experiences and for all the places I've been and for all the people I know and love. My heart is knit together with the hearts of so many... 

This is for my children.  If I don't make sense to you, that's okay, because I know that someday they can read it, and because it is their life, I hope they will understand it as I do.