The Truth - For my loving children to read in a future blog book.

To the ever-awesome Curry kids,

The truth is I have been struggling with a problem of perfection.  I have avoided my camera for too long.  I can't nail the exposure.  I don't like the composition.  I didn't know how to place the subjects so they wouldn't look awkward.  I didn't have the time.  Or so "they" say.  Someone said it to me, in my mind, and I believed.  Today as I was picking up random socks and crayons, I walked into Sadie and Cassidy's room.  I noticed their closet, again, and felt happy at the cute little childlike messes on the shelves. Sadie and Cassidy have claimed it as their "desk area".  It warms my whole being, and I want to record it.  It's precious.  I decided to pick up my camera and take a picture.  I want to have it in my blog book, along with my thoughts of how much I love what they do. The little pieces of them that are everywhere, even when they are not near.  I realized that this is a passion for me.  Seeing something and feeling the emotion of it and then recording it. Lately the kids have been pulling out old blog books and reading them.  For hours. They LOVE them.  I didn't expect that.  And then a voice told me, "What if there is something in there that you don't want them to see?  What if you wrote about a feeling or a time and it reflects badly on you?  Are you sure you want them seeing those books? What if they won't love you?  What if they judge you?"  And I listened and I worried that my imperfections of thought or action will have a negative impact. 

But they love them.  And they still love me, even though they live with my daily imperfections.

 These past two months I have been focusing on a deep struggle of mine, and as I have been doing so, I have been very open and honest with them about it.  They have been loving and supportive, and I am noticing that our home feels better.  Everything is better.  I am feeling happier, and I can see that they are also.  I am feeling better than I have felt in years. 

 We have strongly considered putting the kids into a charter school. We have visited the charter school, we've talked about it with the kids and asked them what they want. We have prayed to know what is best for them, long term.  We've weighed the pros and cons.  In the end, none of us really feel pushed to move in that direction, but the process has been a good one for us to explore - together.  They know it's their choice.  They want to be home and learning in the way we've been learning.  We have been letting go of some things in our lives.  We stopped going to our homeschool group. We've started other things.  We're looking for better ways.  We're seeking structure.  And change.  And I am seeking to banish the fear of failing them and myself. 

 The little details of life really do matter.  I am trying to keep my eye on the big picture, and yet still appreciate the small things.  "By small and simple things are great things brought to pass..."

 As I zoom in a little closer I see things that I hadn't noticed before. 

 Like the random scattering of jewels held by the hands of little girls that I love so dearly.  Their placement seems so random, and it is the random, scattered, haphazardness of it all is what is so appealing to me.  Bent corners and imperfections.  Even in my seeking of order and perfection, I love those things. 

My dear children, I love you!  I love all of your quirks and idiosyncrasies. I love your backwards shirts and messy shelves and unkempt fly-away hairdos.  I love the life that we live.  And even when I get the exposure wrong or take an out-of-focus snapshot I will share it with you in an effort to give you an honest view of our wonderful, imperfect lives. 

Love,
Mom